Crop Circles: What do they mean?

Crop Circles APPEAR OVERNIGHT — seemingly out of nowhere — in crop fields around the world. Some are simple circles. Others are intricate patterns or symbols. Some believe that they are products of clever hoaxers, while others think they may be messages from extraterrestrials or warnings from Mother Earth herself. What are these enigmatic pictograms? Where do they come from? What do they mean? Here, from the greatest scientific minds of our time, are the very latest theories concerning this fascinating mystery:

“It’s significant, I think, that most of these formations appear in fields of wheat,” says Dr. Leonardo Lomard of Oxford University. “I believe it’s a message from some force as yet unknown to us to refrain from eating white bread. Why, I don’t know. But I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the circles resemble the red, yellow and blue balloons on bags of Wonder Bread. To be safe, I’m sticking with rye and pumpernickel. Also, I’ve actually visited some of these sites, and at each one there’s the distinct smell of mayonnaise in the air. So I’m convinced that the combination of white bread and mayo is doubly dangerous!”

“I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the circles resemble the red, yellow and blue balloons on bags of Wonder Bread.”

“It’s obvious to me,” says Dr. Carla Duffensteiner of the University of Hamburg, “that these are actually gigantic footprints made by some large, invisible creature roaming the countryside.” When asked in an interview what proof she had of such a claim, Dr. Duffensteiner blew her nose in her sleeve and marched away.

Egofelix Exclusive! From Moscow University, a report from Professor Alexi Kamarenchov: “I am pleased to announce that I have discovered that the pictograms found in crop fields around the world are actually symbols that make up a language, and were created by an extraterrestrial source. I am pleased to further announce that I have finally been able to decipher this language. After having compiled a catalog of these markings from around the world and translating them, I can now reveal this message to the Earth from an off-world civilization: ‘INK … FUDGE BROWNIES … BEARD … LOZENGE … GOOBER … PINKEYE … OLIVE OIL … SLIDE … NEEDLE-NOSE … PIMPLE … CENTRAL AIR CONDITIONING … BONGO LESSONS … LUG WRENCH … ALAN ALDA … BOBBY PIN.’ I haven’t the vaguest idea what this message means, but there it is.”

“I don’t know who did it, but it wasn’t me!” says O.J. Simpson of Los Angeles, Calif., from the 11th hole at the Beverly Hills Country Club. “And I’m going to do everything in my power to find out who the real culprits are.”

“O.J. didn’t do it,” says Kato Kaelin of Los Angeles, Calif., from his cot at the Salvation Army Shelter for Men. “I know because I was there when he didn’t do it. And I’m willing to come on any talk show, make any personal appearance or sign any book deal to testify to that fact…or not. What is a crop circle anyway?”

O.J. Simpson: “I don’t know who did it, but I’m going to do everything in my power to find the real culprits.”

“I know they are real,” says Dr. Timothy Smydley of Duluth University, “because I saw one forming with my own eyes! This was back in 1991. I was driving through the countryside and stopped by a wheat field to take a leak, as they say. All of a sudden, an enormous safety razor — I believe it was a Gillette twin-blade shaving system — descended from the heavens and shaved a complex formation in the middle of the field! I was astonished. I remember thinking, ‘That’s odd — it didn’t use shaving cream.’ And sure enough, after the razor had ascended back into the sky, I ran into the field to investigate, and not only was the grain shaved down to the nub, but it also had severe razor burn. I’ll never forget it!”

What you have in your mind?